A White Woman's Tears

I know I try to focus this blog on positivity, but I also want it to be about doing good, and I think the good I most need to do right now is to use my voice about something that is not at all positive. As a white woman, I know nothing of what it is like to be black or brown in America. I have not lived that. All I can do is try to listen and have empathy.

I feel the need to admit that I used to believe in the concept of "colorblindness." I naively thought that it was somehow both possible and desirable to not notice the color of someone's skin. But that led to avoiding describing someone by the color of their skin, even if it was the most obvious identifying feature at the moment. What sort of message does that send to act as thought it's shameful to say that someone is black? The only reason to avoid calling someone black (or African American--it seems to be highly individual which term is preferable) is if it is bad or embarrassing to be black. So I am working on that, and it's a balancing act because there are also times when that is not what is most important to bring up.

Now let's talk about my title for this post. I felt defensive the first time I heard the concept of white women's tears, which is basically the idea that white women just have to cry to get their way. But I have had to face the fact that it's true. If a black woman stands up to a female coworker who is white, all the white woman has to do is cry to the boss that her black coworker was aggressive toward her, and there is a decent chance that changes will be made to keep them from working together that negatively impact the black woman, up to and including being fired. And let's be clear. The black woman in this scenario doesn't have to have actually been aggressive, but her actions are all too likely to be interpreted that way.

And the sheer number of stories of white women calling the cops on black men just for existing in "white" spaces--not doing anything wrong, mind you, but doing their jobs, going for a run, entering their own homes, etc--is mind-boggling. Even if actual tears aren't involved, our protected status as white women means the cops are fairly likely to actually come and investigate, probably traumatize, and potentially kill black men just for having the audacity to intimidate white women with their very existence.

And this white woman's tears are tears of rage that the relative safety I enjoy are a privilege that others do not enjoy. The fact that I do not fear that I might be shot for pulling my cell phone out of my pocket in my own backyard should be the reality for everyone, but it is not. The fact that my only worry if my husband or I are pulled over in our car is whether we will have to pay a fine should be everyone's only worry, but it is not.

But I can't push all the responsibility off on others. I was raised by wonderful parents to believe that racism is bad, and I saw too much in my small Georgia town growing up to believe that racism or even segregation were truly over. I knew from a pretty young age that they were not, and I was deeply bothered by it. But I still somehow absorbed some unconscious biases that I had a really hard time acknowledging. I realized that if I was walking alone in a parking lot, I tensed up a lot more if a black man was walking toward me alone than I did if a white man was. How well dressed they were changed that reaction, as did being with their family instead of alone, but that doesn't excuse it. And the fact that I never took it to the extreme of calling the cops only makes it a tiny bit better. Now I tell my inner gut reactions to shut up when they are based on nothing but skin color and I make an effort to smile and say hi. I think I still have a lot of room for improvement, but I think I have begun to retrain myself out of reacting that way as much.

Of even greater shame to me was my relationship with a mixed-race girl who lived in my ballet boarding house. She was very reserved, and I couldn't get close to her, which isn't horrible on its own. You aren't going to click really well with every person you meet. But I often felt very frustrated with her because I thought she was disrespectful to me and my husband, and I thought she caused a lot of conflicts with other students. Looking back, though I don't know how much of that was due to her actually acting out, and how much was due simply to cultural differences and my biases bringing me to assume the worst behind her actions. I honestly don't know the answer. I never successfully got to know her well enough to really understand where she was coming from. I did try, and she wouldn't let me in, but that in no way guarantees that I was in the right.

And none of this really fixes anything, but I am trying to be honest with myself and find a better way to be. I still don't know how to really make a difference, but I know I can't be silent.

Tonight my tears are for you:

George Floyd

Breonna Taylor

Ahmaud Arbery

Tamir Rice

Trayvon Martin

Oscar Grant

Eric Garner

Philando Castile

Samuel Dubose

Sandra Bland

Walter Scott

Terence Crutcher

Michael Brown

Alton Sterling

Amadou Diallo

...and far too many more.

Now to all of you who have the privilege of still breathing, please, go out and sow some goodness! Heaven knows this world needs it.

Finding Joy

I am a firm believer that conscious gratitude is a great way to combat negative feelings. It doesn't fix everything, but it does sometimes help break me out of downward spirals. So what do I mean? The act of looking for things to be grateful for when I feel like everything is awful. It's not foolproof. Sometimes, I'm already so far gone that I can't find anything, or I do, but my brain responds with something like, "Okay, that's nice, but it doesn't make up for all of these other awful things." But usually it at least helps. And in case you think I'm entirely too upbeat, I should have posted this over a week ago, but I was feeling like I had no voice--like so few people read this blog, and they don't notice when I don't post, so why bother. But someone who means the world to me told me she loves reading it, so I have renewed motivation. So here's my current list of top things I'm grateful for (in no particular order):

-My husband got to come home for a whole week! He has been working over 5 hours away and only visiting me on Sundays. I thought he was actually moving home because his next assignment was supposed to be local. Since it's not starting yet, he got sent away again temporarily, but I'm grateful for that too because it means he's still working and getting paid while waiting for the local job to start.

-I received a better kayak than the one I had as a gift. I have to learn to control it better, but I love it.

This is our maiden voyage together.

-Talking to my mom recently, I found out that her father (who I don't remember) was a tap dancer and could kick his leg up beside his head! I'm not particularly talented at dancing, but I love it. I wish I could see him dance, but just knowing that he did makes me happy.

-A friend I have been tutoring finished Statistics with an A! I'm so proud of her.

-My husband and I got to drive the Tail of the Dragon. It's a stretch of road in the mountains near me that has 318 curves in 11 miles. I got a little carsick (no vomiting, just upset stomach), but it was completely worth it. So beautiful! I also spotted another place I want to go kayaking and saw a billboard for a cool place that I want to go climbing.

This is one side of the street at a scenic overlook.

This picture and the next are looking opposite directions from the other side of the street.

I want to put in at this boat ramp.

-My dogs are super sweet.

-I love these flowers in my sister's yard...

-...and these goslings I saw at the boat ramp after my most recent kayaking trip.

There are more things, but that's a good list for now. I hope you find your joy, and as always, go sow some goodness!

When You Feel Like All Is Lost

I'm a religious person, and as such, I have heard people at various times throughout my life express the fear that they have messed up too much for God to forgive them or for loved ones to forgive them. But if you're not religious, this post is for you too because feeling like you just can't turn your life around is not exclusive to us religious folks. Whether you feel like a bad person, or whether you just feel like a failure in life (professionally, romantically, whatever), discouragement is toxic. I've had plenty of those feelings, and they don't motivate me to work hard and improve. They keep me paralyzed with hopelessness. So I want to share something again that I have written about before.

But before I go on, I need to say that I wrote this post about a week ago, and I was mostly reacting to others' discouragement. I'm not saying I'm not worried about the state of things, but so far, my family and I have been very fortunate to not get Covid-19, my husband is still working because he is "essential," and I was still getting paid by the school district I work for. But then I got a text yesterday saying that part-time employees (at least in my department) are being furloughed, and we were advised to apply for unemployment. But the application is very confusing, and I may not qualify for it anyway because I have not worked at my job for 18 months. I believe some rules for unemployment have changed to make it easier to get during this pandemic, but no one has been particularly clear with me about which ones. And this is happening while my husband and I are trying to buy a house.

Now you may wonder why we would try to do something like that right now. It's partly because interest rates are really low right now. But there's a lot more to it than that. For many people's privacy, I can't give extensive details here, but there are two children who are likely to need adoption in several months. As close friends of their family, we would be at the top of the list to get them if we can get approved as foster/adoptive parents before they become adoptable, but if we aren't ready in time, they will just go into the foster system, and that can go any number of ways, but it would definitely be a less smooth transition for them. Where we currently live, we cannot realistically get approved, and while you don't have to own your home, there are several reasons why it would be better for us than renting. If we don't get this house now, the chances of us getting into any home soon enough to be able to complete the lengthy approval process and home study for foster care before these children need us is not good. So this is not just about us wanting a new home. The stakes are really high, meaning so is my anxiety level.

So lest I seem guilty of toxic positivity, let me be real with you. I'm falling apart a little bit. But I'm trying to do what it takes to come out of this okay, which includes applying for grocery store jobs (since they are still open) and trying to figure out the unemployment thing. But it also includes not letting my anxiety win. And that leads us to my originally intended post.

When I was a senior in high school, I was in All-State Choir. The director of that choir was a man named Paul Oakley, and he has since passed away, but I will never forget him. He had a great voice and could sing in any style he wanted, which really impressed me, but that's not what really earned him a permanent place in my memory. He said to us that if we only remembered one thing from our time with him, he wanted it to be this: "There is always hope! ALWAYS!"

And he got his wish, at least with me. His words have come back to me many times since then, and I want you to remember them too. Say them out loud. Write them somewhere. When your brain lies to you and tells you you're a failure or worthless, I want you to say back to it, "Shut up, brain! There is always hope! ALWAYS!" And say it to other people too. Say it to people who don't believe in you. Say it to people who don't believe in themselves.

Please never give up, and keep on sowing goodness!

In Loving Memory
Paul E Oakley
1959-2012

Three Weeks In To Isolation

Hi! So my paying job is completely closed for now, and it is impossible to work from home, so I have struggled to keep busy. I don't have kids at home, which I know, in many ways, is easier to live with, but I also don't have caring for them and playing with them to occupy my time. I have projects I could work on, but I have been struggling with my motivation. I know there are much bigger problems than boredom like lost jobs and lost loved ones. I'm very aware how fortunate I am. But isolation and feeling like not much I do matters very much are not very good for my psyche. So what have I been doing?

Well, first of all, I have been watching way too much Netflix. Let's just admit that right off the bat. I have already completely finished at least three shows in addition to watching some movies. I know it's not the best use of my time, but oh well. While watching stuff, I have worked on a cookbook for my church congregation. We have only collected recipes for two sections so far, but it's my job to type them in.

I have also turned a skirt that I LOVED when I was about ten (and I still love it, but I haven't been able to wear it for at least 25 years) into a cute apron. Yes, I still had the skirt, or more accurately, the pieces of the skirt. My mom had taken it apart, but hadn't turned it into anything else yet. I don't have good before pictures, but it was a pleated skirt with matching, attached suspenders. I cut off a small portion of the skirt to become the apron bib and sewed it onto the top of the skirt yoke, then reattached the suspenders in a slightly different configuration. I love it!

Sorry about the visible mess. Due to a water leak, my bedroom is now in my sewing room, making the room a little crowded.

Since the suspenders cross (they were already sewn that way from the original skirt), there is no need for apron ties.

Next up, I did what everyone has been saying not to do and cut my own hair! I knew it might turn out really awful, but I wouldn't be returning to work, church, etc for at least three more weeks, so there's no one I needed to impress. I figured my sisters and I would get a good laugh if it was terrible, and I would pay to get it fixed as soon as any salons are allowed to reopen. And in the meantime, at least I would have successfully relieved myself of the unwanted hair length.

First stage: kind of awful

After removing some more of the length: not so bad

I will probably still end up paying for a better haircut at some point, but honestly, I don't hate it. Maybe I will just leave it.

Now for some uplifting things that other people are doing, my awesome friend Aubree, of the band Roadie (who you should definitely look up on Spotify or wherever you listen to music), and a bunch of other musicians arranged a virtual concert called House Arrest Fest, and you can watch the videos over on Youtube here and here! To see Roadie, click on the second one, and go to 52:10. If you watch all of it, there are blocks of dead air when parts of the concert were on Instagram, so just click past those blocks. The Instagram portions are no longer available, but there's some really great stuff on the Youtube videos.

Lots of other artists have been putting great content out there for free (at least temporarily), and you have probably heard about people 3D printing ventillators and sewing masks. You have probably heard mainly of the home-sewists (yes, that is a word) making masks with limited supplies, but you would be amazed if you knew how many costume and other sewing professionals are using their much larger resources to make masks, hospital gowns, and other PPE (personal protective equipment). It's beautiful to see so many people trying to help each other.

I know it's frustrating to hear about people hoarding supplies or refusing to participate in social distancing, but guess what? Some of the people you seeing buying a lot at once at the store just have large families (and don't judge that--I'm the youngest of seven, so I take it VERY personally when people imply that I shouldn't have been born). Others are not just shopping for themselves; they are also shopping for neighbors or friends who are immune-compromised and unable to safely go shopping, so the large amount that you see is getting split up between multiple families. That's not to say that no one is out there making the wrong choices, but there is so much good going on. If you would like some highlights of that, check out "Some Good News" by John Krasinski (of The Office) on Youtube.

I know it takes some creativity (and sometimes bravery) to find ways to do good for others when you can't be around them in person, but it can still be done, whether it's sharing your music, making funny videos, dressing up in ridiculous outfits (and sharing pictures of it), or just texting/calling loved ones to let them know that you're thinking about them.

So stay in (or go out carefully) and sow some goodness!

Robin Hood has a punk girlfriend! 😉

Living in a Pandemic

I was working on a post that was really important to me, but I still don't have that one done, and now there's something huge going on that I just can't ignore. I'm living through a pandemic. This is new territory for all of us because anyone still living who lived through the 1918 flu epidemic would have been a baby at that time, so they aren't likely to remember it. I'm not here to report on the statistics or the safety precautions we should all be taking. I think there are plenty of people more qualified to accurately share that information than I am.

I want to talk about this weird, suddenly different world we're all living in. We're all trying to avoid getting sick and/or spreading the virus. Even if we're not high risk of a serious case ourselves (I am), we're worried about someone who is at even greater risk (my good friend's daughter, my sister, my mother...the list is frighteningly long). Schools of all levels have closed. Some have just ended the school year or are having extended breaks, while others are setting up online lessons and/or emailing assignments. Some of the parents have lost employment (at least temporarily), some are working from home, and some are still having to go to work every day without their kids being able to go to school. For any of those people, suddenly trying to handle their kids' assignments completely on their own is getting stressful. Even the ones who seem to have time because they aren't working currently are having to jump into an entirely different life while under the huge stress of wondering how they will provide for their families. Others are trying to work their regular jobs from home AND manage their children's needs and get them to do school assignments. Or they are still working at work, but over night they had to figure out who can watch their kids because their normal schools and daycares are closed.

Some of us don't have kids, but we're worried about finances or the availability of groceries and other supplies due to the current shortages. We know the only reason for the shortages is because some people are panicking and stocking up, not because production has actually gone down. There is plenty of everything for everyone, but some people have purchased much more than they needed. But none of that changes the fact that I go to the store and can't get everything I was looking for. It's not like I can't get enough food to survive, but I can't make a list and stick to it because I have no idea what is actually in the store until I get there. (Don't even think about buying pasta at this point.)

And we haven't even talked about the isolation yet! Introverts like me aren't doing too badly with that, but even we need human connection, and what about all the extroverts out there? To all of you, I say sorry you're stuck seeing so few people! You must be going crazy! For those of you who know me in real life (which is most of you, probably, because I don't really have many readers who don't know me), feel free to call me when you just desperately need to talk to someone (or someone grown-up, if you are only seeing your kids). My job can't be done from home, so I'm just not working until my school reopens. I have a lot of free time and not that much to do with it, so I'm here for you if you want.

So we're all trying to figure out how to get through all the stress and uncertainty without losing our minds too much. And I think that's going to look different for all of us. I, for one, have been watching way too much Netflix. I wish I were reading more, but my focus hasn't been great. But I have also been trying to do yoga. I haven't been successful at doing it every day because my motivation level isn't great when I'm anxious. Exercising makes me feel better, but anxiety brain isn't logical, so sometimes I win and work out like I should, and other days I don't. I also go kayaking, which is good exercise and it gets me outside. Double benefits! I love hiking/walking, but it doesn't afford me the same ease of staying away from others because there are so many people out on the trails right now, so kayaking it is. Then I only have to be able to keep my distance getting in and out of the water. If you have any way to spend at least a little bit of time outside, I highly recommend it.

My hair is pretty much always a mess, but not usually this bad.

My kayak is really ugly, but it does the job.

Being creative also helps me. I love music, but with people home all the time, I'm too self-conscious to practice. (I know, that's dumb, but there you go.) I also like art. I'm not great at drawing or painting, but you don't have to be good at something to enjoy it. You just need a willingness to try without worrying too hard about perfection. So here is some really bad art created by me.

So be active, get outside, be creative...or maybe you have a different way to cope. But find something that brings you hope or at least a sense of normalcy. And find a way to sow some goodness!

The Hope Tree

Hi, folks! I grew up with fairly sedentary habits for two simple reasons: 1) I have always loved books a lot, and 2) the main athletic pursuits where I grew up were ball sports which I do not enjoy and for which I have no natural aptitude. I once got hit in the face with a softball, and I managed to jam my finger badly enough for it to turn completely purple/grey playing volleyball of all things. And it's not like I'm only willing to do things I'm naturally good at, but my overwhelming experience has been that people just get frustrated or even mad when I'm not good at the sport we are playing, and I don't really enjoy being yelled at. Some people may feel motivated by that, but I am not one of them. So I participated in sports as little as possible growing up.

As an adult, living in a different place and with very different opportunities available to me, I have become more active. I have always loved hiking but didn't always have a lot of access to good hiking trails, but for the past several years I have lived in places with great greenway trails in town, allowing for more access to nature without having to go far. The walking trails are not very challenging, but they are long enough to get some good distance in. And now I also have hiking trails of varying difficulty within reasonable travel-distance, as well as in-town walking trails. I'm the last person who will ever tell you that nature and exercise is all you need to fight depression, but it really does help me.

I have a bit of an obsession with moss.

I can walk to this spot from my house.

The following pictures are in Obed Wild & Scenic River National Park

Shoutout to my Xero Shoes! The Terraflex is a lightweight shoe that allows natural movement while still giving me great traction and protection on the trail.

I have also taken up rock climbing, which I'm not great at, but I really enjoy the challenge. At first I only climbed in a climbing gym, but I have now tackled climbing outdoors (which is harder, but so much fun). Obed Wild & Scenic River National Park hosts free ranger-led climbing once a month, and I got to go with a friend last weekend. They have harnesses and helmets for guests to borrow for free. They also have climbing shoes, but they may or may not have your size. I was lucky enough that my friend had a spare pair in my size. There were ropes set up for climbs of varying difficulty and rangers to belay climbers. And can I just take a moment to say how much I appreciate how encouraging the rangers are? I really do love climbing, but I'm also pretty scared of it, so sometimes I am slow as I try to find hand- and foot-holds that I really feel comfortable with, and the rangers (as well as my awesome friend) were so patient with me and encouraging when I made it. They never made me feel like I was being frustrating. Even some other climbers who I didn't know were cheering me on, so it seems like a pretty welcoming sport.

This was an easy climb, but it was a good place for me to start.

I got stuck here because I couldn't find any more good handholds that I felt like I could grip well enough to move my feet, so I had to be let down.

These next pictures are all from my last climb of the day. It was also quite challenging for me, but I made it almost to the top, which I hadn't thought I would be able to do, so I was very proud of myself.

Now for the reason behind the title of this post. On the trails near my house, there is a tree that absolutely fascinates me because it's growing on the very edge of the riverbank, and it has a hollow that goes all the way through the trunk. You would think this tree would be dead and falling into the river, but it is still very much alive. I shared it with other members of the Tennessee Trails Association on Facebook, and they very fittingly dubbed it the Hope Tree.

So if you are struggling, remember the hope tree and keep hanging on. And maybe you don't love to be outdoors like I do, but find your own thing that helps bring you joy.

As always, go sow some goodness!