A White Woman's Tears

I know I try to focus this blog on positivity, but I also want it to be about doing good, and I think the good I most need to do right now is to use my voice about something that is not at all positive. As a white woman, I know nothing of what it is like to be black or brown in America. I have not lived that. All I can do is try to listen and have empathy.

I feel the need to admit that I used to believe in the concept of "colorblindness." I naively thought that it was somehow both possible and desirable to not notice the color of someone's skin. But that led to avoiding describing someone by the color of their skin, even if it was the most obvious identifying feature at the moment. What sort of message does that send to act as thought it's shameful to say that someone is black? The only reason to avoid calling someone black (or African American--it seems to be highly individual which term is preferable) is if it is bad or embarrassing to be black. So I am working on that, and it's a balancing act because there are also times when that is not what is most important to bring up.

Now let's talk about my title for this post. I felt defensive the first time I heard the concept of white women's tears, which is basically the idea that white women just have to cry to get their way. But I have had to face the fact that it's true. If a black woman stands up to a female coworker who is white, all the white woman has to do is cry to the boss that her black coworker was aggressive toward her, and there is a decent chance that changes will be made to keep them from working together that negatively impact the black woman, up to and including being fired. And let's be clear. The black woman in this scenario doesn't have to have actually been aggressive, but her actions are all too likely to be interpreted that way.

And the sheer number of stories of white women calling the cops on black men just for existing in "white" spaces--not doing anything wrong, mind you, but doing their jobs, going for a run, entering their own homes, etc--is mind-boggling. Even if actual tears aren't involved, our protected status as white women means the cops are fairly likely to actually come and investigate, probably traumatize, and potentially kill black men just for having the audacity to intimidate white women with their very existence.

And this white woman's tears are tears of rage that the relative safety I enjoy are a privilege that others do not enjoy. The fact that I do not fear that I might be shot for pulling my cell phone out of my pocket in my own backyard should be the reality for everyone, but it is not. The fact that my only worry if my husband or I are pulled over in our car is whether we will have to pay a fine should be everyone's only worry, but it is not.

But I can't push all the responsibility off on others. I was raised by wonderful parents to believe that racism is bad, and I saw too much in my small Georgia town growing up to believe that racism or even segregation were truly over. I knew from a pretty young age that they were not, and I was deeply bothered by it. But I still somehow absorbed some unconscious biases that I had a really hard time acknowledging. I realized that if I was walking alone in a parking lot, I tensed up a lot more if a black man was walking toward me alone than I did if a white man was. How well dressed they were changed that reaction, as did being with their family instead of alone, but that doesn't excuse it. And the fact that I never took it to the extreme of calling the cops only makes it a tiny bit better. Now I tell my inner gut reactions to shut up when they are based on nothing but skin color and I make an effort to smile and say hi. I think I still have a lot of room for improvement, but I think I have begun to retrain myself out of reacting that way as much.

Of even greater shame to me was my relationship with a mixed-race girl who lived in my ballet boarding house. She was very reserved, and I couldn't get close to her, which isn't horrible on its own. You aren't going to click really well with every person you meet. But I often felt very frustrated with her because I thought she was disrespectful to me and my husband, and I thought she caused a lot of conflicts with other students. Looking back, though I don't know how much of that was due to her actually acting out, and how much was due simply to cultural differences and my biases bringing me to assume the worst behind her actions. I honestly don't know the answer. I never successfully got to know her well enough to really understand where she was coming from. I did try, and she wouldn't let me in, but that in no way guarantees that I was in the right.

And none of this really fixes anything, but I am trying to be honest with myself and find a better way to be. I still don't know how to really make a difference, but I know I can't be silent.

Tonight my tears are for you:

George Floyd

Breonna Taylor

Ahmaud Arbery

Tamir Rice

Trayvon Martin

Oscar Grant

Eric Garner

Philando Castile

Samuel Dubose

Sandra Bland

Walter Scott

Terence Crutcher

Michael Brown

Alton Sterling

Amadou Diallo

...and far too many more.

Now to all of you who have the privilege of still breathing, please, go out and sow some goodness! Heaven knows this world needs it.

Finding Joy

I am a firm believer that conscious gratitude is a great way to combat negative feelings. It doesn't fix everything, but it does sometimes help break me out of downward spirals. So what do I mean? The act of looking for things to be grateful for when I feel like everything is awful. It's not foolproof. Sometimes, I'm already so far gone that I can't find anything, or I do, but my brain responds with something like, "Okay, that's nice, but it doesn't make up for all of these other awful things." But usually it at least helps. And in case you think I'm entirely too upbeat, I should have posted this over a week ago, but I was feeling like I had no voice--like so few people read this blog, and they don't notice when I don't post, so why bother. But someone who means the world to me told me she loves reading it, so I have renewed motivation. So here's my current list of top things I'm grateful for (in no particular order):

-My husband got to come home for a whole week! He has been working over 5 hours away and only visiting me on Sundays. I thought he was actually moving home because his next assignment was supposed to be local. Since it's not starting yet, he got sent away again temporarily, but I'm grateful for that too because it means he's still working and getting paid while waiting for the local job to start.

-I received a better kayak than the one I had as a gift. I have to learn to control it better, but I love it.

This is our maiden voyage together.

-Talking to my mom recently, I found out that her father (who I don't remember) was a tap dancer and could kick his leg up beside his head! I'm not particularly talented at dancing, but I love it. I wish I could see him dance, but just knowing that he did makes me happy.

-A friend I have been tutoring finished Statistics with an A! I'm so proud of her.

-My husband and I got to drive the Tail of the Dragon. It's a stretch of road in the mountains near me that has 318 curves in 11 miles. I got a little carsick (no vomiting, just upset stomach), but it was completely worth it. So beautiful! I also spotted another place I want to go kayaking and saw a billboard for a cool place that I want to go climbing.

This is one side of the street at a scenic overlook.

This picture and the next are looking opposite directions from the other side of the street.

I want to put in at this boat ramp.

-My dogs are super sweet.

-I love these flowers in my sister's yard...

-...and these goslings I saw at the boat ramp after my most recent kayaking trip.

There are more things, but that's a good list for now. I hope you find your joy, and as always, go sow some goodness!