When You Feel Like All Is Lost

I'm a religious person, and as such, I have heard people at various times throughout my life express the fear that they have messed up too much for God to forgive them or for loved ones to forgive them. But if you're not religious, this post is for you too because feeling like you just can't turn your life around is not exclusive to us religious folks. Whether you feel like a bad person, or whether you just feel like a failure in life (professionally, romantically, whatever), discouragement is toxic. I've had plenty of those feelings, and they don't motivate me to work hard and improve. They keep me paralyzed with hopelessness. So I want to share something again that I have written about before.

But before I go on, I need to say that I wrote this post about a week ago, and I was mostly reacting to others' discouragement. I'm not saying I'm not worried about the state of things, but so far, my family and I have been very fortunate to not get Covid-19, my husband is still working because he is "essential," and I was still getting paid by the school district I work for. But then I got a text yesterday saying that part-time employees (at least in my department) are being furloughed, and we were advised to apply for unemployment. But the application is very confusing, and I may not qualify for it anyway because I have not worked at my job for 18 months. I believe some rules for unemployment have changed to make it easier to get during this pandemic, but no one has been particularly clear with me about which ones. And this is happening while my husband and I are trying to buy a house.

Now you may wonder why we would try to do something like that right now. It's partly because interest rates are really low right now. But there's a lot more to it than that. For many people's privacy, I can't give extensive details here, but there are two children who are likely to need adoption in several months. As close friends of their family, we would be at the top of the list to get them if we can get approved as foster/adoptive parents before they become adoptable, but if we aren't ready in time, they will just go into the foster system, and that can go any number of ways, but it would definitely be a less smooth transition for them. Where we currently live, we cannot realistically get approved, and while you don't have to own your home, there are several reasons why it would be better for us than renting. If we don't get this house now, the chances of us getting into any home soon enough to be able to complete the lengthy approval process and home study for foster care before these children need us is not good. So this is not just about us wanting a new home. The stakes are really high, meaning so is my anxiety level.

So lest I seem guilty of toxic positivity, let me be real with you. I'm falling apart a little bit. But I'm trying to do what it takes to come out of this okay, which includes applying for grocery store jobs (since they are still open) and trying to figure out the unemployment thing. But it also includes not letting my anxiety win. And that leads us to my originally intended post.

When I was a senior in high school, I was in All-State Choir. The director of that choir was a man named Paul Oakley, and he has since passed away, but I will never forget him. He had a great voice and could sing in any style he wanted, which really impressed me, but that's not what really earned him a permanent place in my memory. He said to us that if we only remembered one thing from our time with him, he wanted it to be this: "There is always hope! ALWAYS!"

And he got his wish, at least with me. His words have come back to me many times since then, and I want you to remember them too. Say them out loud. Write them somewhere. When your brain lies to you and tells you you're a failure or worthless, I want you to say back to it, "Shut up, brain! There is always hope! ALWAYS!" And say it to other people too. Say it to people who don't believe in you. Say it to people who don't believe in themselves.

Please never give up, and keep on sowing goodness!

In Loving Memory
Paul E Oakley
1959-2012

Three Weeks In To Isolation

Hi! So my paying job is completely closed for now, and it is impossible to work from home, so I have struggled to keep busy. I don't have kids at home, which I know, in many ways, is easier to live with, but I also don't have caring for them and playing with them to occupy my time. I have projects I could work on, but I have been struggling with my motivation. I know there are much bigger problems than boredom like lost jobs and lost loved ones. I'm very aware how fortunate I am. But isolation and feeling like not much I do matters very much are not very good for my psyche. So what have I been doing?

Well, first of all, I have been watching way too much Netflix. Let's just admit that right off the bat. I have already completely finished at least three shows in addition to watching some movies. I know it's not the best use of my time, but oh well. While watching stuff, I have worked on a cookbook for my church congregation. We have only collected recipes for two sections so far, but it's my job to type them in.

I have also turned a skirt that I LOVED when I was about ten (and I still love it, but I haven't been able to wear it for at least 25 years) into a cute apron. Yes, I still had the skirt, or more accurately, the pieces of the skirt. My mom had taken it apart, but hadn't turned it into anything else yet. I don't have good before pictures, but it was a pleated skirt with matching, attached suspenders. I cut off a small portion of the skirt to become the apron bib and sewed it onto the top of the skirt yoke, then reattached the suspenders in a slightly different configuration. I love it!

Sorry about the visible mess. Due to a water leak, my bedroom is now in my sewing room, making the room a little crowded.

Since the suspenders cross (they were already sewn that way from the original skirt), there is no need for apron ties.

Next up, I did what everyone has been saying not to do and cut my own hair! I knew it might turn out really awful, but I wouldn't be returning to work, church, etc for at least three more weeks, so there's no one I needed to impress. I figured my sisters and I would get a good laugh if it was terrible, and I would pay to get it fixed as soon as any salons are allowed to reopen. And in the meantime, at least I would have successfully relieved myself of the unwanted hair length.

First stage: kind of awful

After removing some more of the length: not so bad

I will probably still end up paying for a better haircut at some point, but honestly, I don't hate it. Maybe I will just leave it.

Now for some uplifting things that other people are doing, my awesome friend Aubree, of the band Roadie (who you should definitely look up on Spotify or wherever you listen to music), and a bunch of other musicians arranged a virtual concert called House Arrest Fest, and you can watch the videos over on Youtube here and here! To see Roadie, click on the second one, and go to 52:10. If you watch all of it, there are blocks of dead air when parts of the concert were on Instagram, so just click past those blocks. The Instagram portions are no longer available, but there's some really great stuff on the Youtube videos.

Lots of other artists have been putting great content out there for free (at least temporarily), and you have probably heard about people 3D printing ventillators and sewing masks. You have probably heard mainly of the home-sewists (yes, that is a word) making masks with limited supplies, but you would be amazed if you knew how many costume and other sewing professionals are using their much larger resources to make masks, hospital gowns, and other PPE (personal protective equipment). It's beautiful to see so many people trying to help each other.

I know it's frustrating to hear about people hoarding supplies or refusing to participate in social distancing, but guess what? Some of the people you seeing buying a lot at once at the store just have large families (and don't judge that--I'm the youngest of seven, so I take it VERY personally when people imply that I shouldn't have been born). Others are not just shopping for themselves; they are also shopping for neighbors or friends who are immune-compromised and unable to safely go shopping, so the large amount that you see is getting split up between multiple families. That's not to say that no one is out there making the wrong choices, but there is so much good going on. If you would like some highlights of that, check out "Some Good News" by John Krasinski (of The Office) on Youtube.

I know it takes some creativity (and sometimes bravery) to find ways to do good for others when you can't be around them in person, but it can still be done, whether it's sharing your music, making funny videos, dressing up in ridiculous outfits (and sharing pictures of it), or just texting/calling loved ones to let them know that you're thinking about them.

So stay in (or go out carefully) and sow some goodness!

Robin Hood has a punk girlfriend! 😉